My Gift To You

One of the most magnificent literary spectacles of our time is the deft ability of food bloggers to connect expansive, navel-gazing memories from their childhood to the recipe they’ve come to show you. A hazy recollection about struggling to keep the blue crayon within the margins one day during Kindergarten art class, and the ensuing ostracization that followed, somehow leads into a recipe for summer squash soup with chili oil and slices of a baguette.

I will not do this to you. No, even as I teeter precipitously on the brink of launching into a story about wandering New Orleans’ underbelly while searching for contraband back in the early-Noughties, I will spare you. And though I see before me a clear and inviting opportunity to use this space to tell you all about the glory of the Chicago bar scene in the 90s or the little dog named Katy who used to visit our house for treats when I was a little kid, you may rest easily, knowing that you have been spared.

So without further ado, here’s my stupidly-easy recipe for nut butter. I learned to make this online a few years ago, using almonds and canola oil and I’ve since found a couple of hacks that have elevated this simple concoction to soaring culinary heights. I made a gigantic batch over the holidays and gave little jars to my neighbors. Last night, one of them sent me a photo of an empty jar and a note that her father had commandeered it and devoured the spread entirely and where in the world can she find more?

So rather than give you a fish and feed you for a day, I’ll teach you how to fish for a treat of unparalleled decadence:

First, you need a Vitamix or something of that ilk. You’re going to pummel the ever-loving-shit out of a giant bag of nuts, so no half-measures here. Break out the big guns.

Secondly, you’ll want to score some canola oil. I can hear you right now, clutching your pearls at the pant-shitting levels of Omega-6 fatty acids and the iron-melting levels of heat required to produce it. This recipe is not for those who prefer to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death. No, this recipe is for those wild-eyed, adrenaline fiends screaming down life’s fast lane with the stereo on ten, zealously committed to living every second of their existence as if they were bungee-jumping from the peak of Mount Everest.

Or use some avocado oil. I don’t know. It’s not hugely different but I feel that at this point in the recipe, you’re either with me or against me. Just get the canola oil — it’s worth it.

Finally, score a bunch of mason jars or any kind of jar that you can seal. They will have them at your local supermarket or you can get them online.

Nut choice is everything. As noted, back in the days when I was a young, would-be nut butter baron, I used regular old almonds, which I bought at my local Sprouts. You really need a nut connection here where you can buy them in bulk. Otherwise, you might as well torch a twenty dollar bill, throw it in the street and go back to bed.

I go to Sprouts, Whole Foods, Lazy Acres or any fancy pants supermarket that offers dry goods in bulk barrels. Now here’s where the hack comes into play.

Sure, you can just go with the almonds and make your little jar of nut butter and friends will politely smile when sampling it and reply with barely-constrained condescension, “Oh! This is lovely.” That’s not what you’re looking for when you make my kind of nut butter.

While you’re patrolling the dry goods barrels, you will likely see sweet, inviting variations on standard nuts (know that each time I type the word “nuts,” I literally chuckle because, I mean…). You might see cinnamon vanilla almonds, or honey vanilla cashews or toffee peanuts… See what just happened? We left the friendly limits of Almond City and opened our vision wide into the entire Nut Universe. Strap in — big nuts ahead! (Sorry.)

This is where the hack comes in — why tinker with adding your own ingredients to your nut butter when your friendly, overpriced supermarket has already done the heavy lifting for you? I recommend scooping up a couple of bags of different kinds of heavily-confectioned nuts. Over the holidays, I chose toffee peanuts and honey vanilla cashews.

Believe it or not, you’re about seventy-five percent done at this point.

Go home, bust out the Vitamix and pour in about a quarter cup of canola oil, remembering what I said about the thrilling payoffs that come with living on life’s razor edge. Then add about a cup of nuts and start grinding. You’ll see the nuts quickly turn into a crunchy paste — keep grinding. You’ll also note that it might look a little heavy on the oil, so add more nuts. Continue to add enough nuts so that you achieve that storied peanut butter texture that had you drooling as a little kid each time you saw a Jif commercial. Or leave it on the crunchy side. My friend, the Almond Universe is yours for the plundering.

As you move along, continue to add little bits of oil to keep the spread smooth and creamy, followed by some more nuts. Don’t grind more than a couple of cups of nut butter at a time.

That’s pretty much it. Pour your nut butter into mason jars as you go along. It will get messy as hell, so keep paper towels handy.

The final pro tip that I’ll offer is that when you’re done, you’ll have this big Vitamix blender caked with glorious nut butter. Don’t waste it — pour in two cups of whichever milk you prefer, two frozen bananas and some vanilla protein powder and go to town. Mix the hell out of that for a minute or two and you’ll not only have a couple of delicious banana nut protein smoothies, but the container will be much easier to clean.

There you have it. You’re welcome.