NSFW: April's People Who Need A Good Cock-Punching
Mike KrzyzewskiAffectionately known as "Coach K" to the media and to people he hasn't thoroughly fucked over, the Duke head basketball coach stumbled over his own self-serving lies week when he categorically denied lecturing an Oregon player after the Ducks beat Duke in this year's March Madness tournament. Ready? Here we go...In the final seconds of the game, Oregon's Dillon Brooks, faced with the option of either letting the shot clock expire or shooting, naturally chose the latter — an action rather closely aligned with the concept of "competition" — draining a 35-foot 3-point shot to add to Oregon's already-insurmountable lead as the final seconds expired. After the game, Brooks revealed that Coach K, long-hailed as a paragon of sportsmanship, lectured him in the handshake line about celebrating too much after beating Coach K's team. Apparently one of college basketball's unwritten rules is that if you absolutely have to beat Coach K, just make sure you don't enjoy it. Specifically, Brooks said that the man whom Inside The NBA praised as a "Teacher and Mentor of Young Men," slapped him with the backhanded compliment that he was too talented to be showing off like that. And by showing off, he means shooting the ball into the basket during a basketball game. When a reporter confronted the Duke coach with this story, Coach K did not merely downplay it — he flat out lied, replying unequivocally, "I didn’t say that. … You can say whatever you want. You can take whatever he said and you can go with it.” No ambiguity there – Coach K just called out Dillon Brooks in the national media for being a big, fat liar. Now this promising young student athlete looks like an asshole, right? Problem was, cameras caught the whole danged incident, which went down exactly as Brooks had described. Caught vigorously slandering an innocent young man, the legendary coach eventually apologized for lecturing an opposing player and mumbled that he had "reacted incorrectly" to the reporter's question as to whether that exchange had occurred. Not, "I lied and I regret it." Nor, "I'm sorry that in order to protect my titanic ego, I lied to that reporter, shitting all over the reputation of an innocent, hard-working college student." Coach K, you are a phony and a douchebag and you deserve a bludgeoning cock punch.
Dr. David NewmanWhen you visit a doctor, you might reasonably anticipate a few discomforting exchanges as he or she looks under the hood to make sure everything is working as expected. What you don't expect is to groggily come to in your doctor's office with a moist cheek and something in your eye as the good doc furtively sticks his tackle back into his pants. Nightmare sitch? You fucking bet, and that's apparently what's been going down over in Montclair, NJ, where Dr. David Newman has been accused of sexually abusing four women. One twenty-nine year old woman described arriving in his office reporting shoulder pain and ended up getting a free breast exam out of the deal — the unwanted kind. Another woman has alleged that he administered a breast exam when she reported in with a cold. Then there was the woman who reported that, while physically helpless, Newman jacked off at her bedside, hitting her in the face with his uh... well, you know. The prosecutor ran a DNA analysis and confirmed that the semen on the patient's eye and cheek matched that of Dr. Feelgood. His defense? He was beating off in the lounge before the examination and forgot to was his hands. According to The Old Grey Lady, the soon-to-be former doctor is looking at 4 years in prison as part of a deal — an excellent place for a vigorous cock-punching.
JapanFuck you, Japan. Your bullshit fishermen have once again defied the UN's 2014 order to halt your "whaling program," (Japan's two-faced mumbo jumbo for slaughtering whales for meat and other products). This week, Japanese whalers "harvested" (euphemism for gutlessly and illegally slaughtered) over 300 minke whales, 230 of which were pregnant females. In a vast, multidimensional universe balanced by karma, we can only hope that every one of these fishermen end up in Hell, where Satan sends a legion of fire-breathing demons to beat their minnows with boxing gloves covered with shards of broken glass.
